Maleficent: Laziest Disney Villain ever (Disney's Sleeping Beauty)

This is Antibishonen Speaks.  You’re getting sleepy, you’re getting sleepy….Forget it, I’ll cut to the chase; Maleficient is the laziest Disney Villain I had ever seen!

You heard that right, Maleficent may have been the most feared Disney Villain, but her track record of evilness is as miniscule as the amoeba boys.  Don’t believe me?  Well, let me do a comparison.

Ursula, another feared Disney Villain, not only manipulated the merpeople by using their inferiority complexes, she briefly possessed King Triton’s crown to control the sea.

Gaston, while an egotistical buffoon, successfully manipulated the townspeople by organizing a mob to ‘kill the beast’.  

And ‘The Coachman’?  Oh cor blimey, the coachman!  One of the scariest scenes I have ever seen!  It’s also a rare case where the Disney villain got away!

With all these villains’ diabolical plans, you thought Maleficent would do something that would top them all, right?  WRONG!  All what Maleficent did was to place a curse on Aurora by pricking her finger at a spindle of a spinning wheel.  Even Rumplestiltskin would scratch his head for something anti-climatic like that.  More embarrassing is that the curse was reduced to a deep sleep where it can be broken by a true love’s kiss!  

Because of this loophole, you would have thought Maleficent would personally find Aurora and have the curse come full circle.  She did, but only after sixteen years where her minions failed to find her!

Yeah, don’t you think that if they couldn’t find her for many years, you would think that, hey, Maleficent, can you help find the princess instead of sitting on your throne, you lazy bitch?  

YOU’RE THE MISTRESS OF ALL EVIL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!  AND YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT YOU USED YOUR MINIONS ALL THIS TIME?!

Sheesh, it makes me wonder how on earth Maleficent kept that slender figure!  Anyway, yeah, she went into action by using her pet raven to find the princess.  And giving a precise description no less!  Instead of 16 long years, it only took a day or two to pinpoint her hideout!  Imagine how you would feel if a task like that took two days instead of sixteen years.  I’m willing to bet you would rage in fury.

So finally, Maleficent’s plan went in motion by fulfilling the spinning wheel curse and capturing the prince.  Yes, I admit, her speech to the prince was cynically awesome.  

With that charming speech, what does Maleficent do?  Did she went back to the throne and plan her next takeover?  Does she summon her minions to watch over the prince in case he tries to escape?  NO!  After fulfilling her curse for sixteen long years, she boast that she can finally sleep well, ironically enough!

Yes, my statement still stands:  Maleficent is the laziest Disney Villain ever!  

Scar may have been an incompetent tyrant, but at least he took over Pride Rock.  

Jafar went over his head by turning himself into a genie, but he at least took over Agrabah by finally stealing the lamp.  

The Sheriff of Nottingham can’t see through Robin Hood’s disguise, but at least he can sentence Friar Tuck to death!

And Darth Vader is Luke’s father.  I don’t get it.

As for Maleficent, her laziness eventually became her downfall!  The prince escaped, he overcame Maleficent’s wrath, and defeated her right after she cornered him!  

So what’s the lesson we learned regarding Maleficent?  Don’t sleep at your job!  I mean it!

It baffles me why Maleficent tops the list of Disney Villains even though she barely did anything sinister.  That Disney Villain honor should reserve to someone who wasn’t defeated and did something horrifically evil.  Honestly, the coachman still scare the bejesus out of me!   

Yet, I can’t help that it’s the design and the personality that made her threatening.  I just really wished that she can be more intimidating.  

This is Antibishonen Speaks, saying, why of all time did the fairy godmothers blow their cover all because of the dress color?  I’ll never know.

Dorothy's Tragic Fate (Disney's Return to OZ)

    Greetings, everyone.  This is Antibishonen Speaks talking about current events and relationships.   Well, Walt Disney’s released Oz:  The Great and Powerful and another studio released Legends of Oz:  Dorothy’s Return, so let’s analyze Dorothy in the first two movies.  

    The first movie, The Wizard of Oz, don’t need much explanation though it baffles me how  she managed to survive a hurricane when her house was caught in the center of the tornado.  

    Don’t tell me it’s magic!

    As for the movie, it’s a classic tale where you get to squish witches with a house, snatch other peoples precious slippers (I won’t make an obvious joke), and realized in the end that your adventure to the Emerald City was pretty pointless because Glinda didn’t tell you about the shoes magical powers.  To the movies credit, you get to see Dorothy bitchslap The Cowardly Lion and unintentionally destroy Elphaba with plain-ass water.  

    So, with that classic tale closing with her back in Kansas, you thought it would be a wonderful homecoming, right?

    Unfortunately, her return to Kansas wasn’t pretty because six months after her trip back in Oz, she was declared legally insane and was confined to shock therapy.  That’s what you get for discussing flying monkeys, talking scarecrows, and witches that can be killed by plain-ass water.

    This is the basis of Return to Oz, another nifty movie created by Walt Disney.  You know how Walt Disney movie works; they create a charming tale where all the kids can dance around and sing classical songs.....

(Return to Oz)

    ‘And scare the bejesus out of you.’  Disney was at its darkest point.  This was released around the same time ‘The Black Cauldron’ was in theaters and it’s no wonder many viewers don’t remember this darker sequel.  I mean, there’s the headless witch, the creepy wheelies, and the Nome King known to steal the ruby slippers (Again, won’t make an obvious joke).  

    Nevermind the Wicked Witch of the West, it’s the Nome King everyone should worry about in Oz.  Take a breather.  Hold on a Care Bear.

    She can’t leave because the Nome has the slippers.  She took a glimpse of Oz, that’s pretty much in ruins.  Also, getting stalked by wheelers is frightening.  Don’t forget the fact about the trauma she had at the institution.  At least she has her new friends including Tik-Tok, not making a Kesha reference, Jack Pumpkinhead, and Gump who can fly!  Almost forgot, there’s a talking chicken name Bellina.  

    Sing Earthbound if you want, but her life was on the line because she had to find Scarecrow in an inanimate object, which is green-related.  

    You better run, because you pissed off the Nome King.  He’s a hothead!  So he ate Gump (partially), and now he wants to eat Jack Pumpkinhead.  

    Look, he’s flying!  But wait, his life’s on the balance because there’s a chicken and eggs would melt the Nome King.  What do you know, it melted the Nome King, but not without a scary Raiders of the Lost Ark montage.  

    So finally, Dorothy, frighten by everything she saw, wished Oz back the way it was.  Heh, she pulled a Dragonball Z.  Surprise, surprise, everything went back to normal.  Just like in the previous installment, she was sent home to Kansas, again.  There’s a little twist in the ending, the institution was struck down by lighting, slaying the doctor and many other employees in that hospital because they messed around with Ozma who happens to be the true ruler of Oz.  Karma’s a bitch!

    That’s pretty much the tale of Dorothy and her journey to Oz.  Yes, Oz looks like hell, but it NOT as bad when Dr. Oz discussing about the uncivilized nature at Oz penitentiary!  

This is Antibishonen Speaks.  For those who were incarcerated in Oz, prepare for Preparation H.

Spiderman 3 featuring Gwen Stacy?!

(Spiderman theme)

    Hello, everyone!  This is your friendly neighbor, Antibishonen Speaks!  Yes, I'm here to talk about Spiderman, but first a little confession.  I’m only familiar with the Saturday morning cartoon and it took me a while to somewhat absorb other important storylines that were in the original comics.  Which I’ll get to….

    In the meantime, let's take a look at the disappointment we call 'Spiderman 3'.

    Show of hands, who thought Venom was going to be the main villain?  Just as I thought, that's why the movie was a disappointment!  

    Alright, nevermind the fact we only get to see Venom for 10 minutes, the stifle relationship between Peter and Mary Jane, and…(Emo Spiderman) yeah I’m going to discuss that, there’s one particular storyline that bothered me more than ‘that’.  

    At first, I was pumped when they showed the rocky relationship between Spiderman and Mary Jane.  After all, she called off the engagement so she can have a relationship with Spiderman!  From here, we can finally put their love to the test.  Unfortunately, I spoke too soon when Spiderman rescued this mysterious lady.  At first, It didn't really offend me UNTIL the character's name was revealed.  

(Gwen Stacy)

    Gwen Stacy?  Gwen Stacy?!!!! This is Antibishonen Speaks.  For those who don't know Gwen Stacy, she’s not that big of a deal aside THE FACT THAT she was originally Spiderman's girlfriend prior to Mary Jane!

    I have a feeling I’m not the only one ranting about the poor choice of names especially when Spiderman’s relationship was thrown in the back-burner because somebody believe married couples don’t make interesting stories!

My reaction would probably be different if the producers had used another name.  Here are some good alternatives:  Betty Brant, Liz Allen, Debra Whitman, Michele Gonzales, Marcy Kane, Carol Danvers (yes, ‘that’ Ms. Marvel) , and even Felicia Hardy (aka The Black Cat)!

ANYBODY BUT GWEN STACY!!!

    For those unfamiliar with Gwen Stacy, she was Spiderman’s former girlfriend and was a rival love interest to Mary Jane.  Just to remind you, Mary Jane was an offscreen character until the big reveal.  

    In sharp contrast, in the movie, she plays as a romantic foil to Mary Jane as a way for Peter to get back at her, (Spiderman 2) ironically enough.  Gwen Stacy and Mary Jane are in the same room together with Spiderman (dancing like an idiot!)...I'll get to that later!

So why is Gwen Stacy such a big deal in Spiderman 3?  Because she’s dead.  I can’t believe I have to spell it out.

    I thought producers knew Mary Jane became Spiderman's next love interest by default because Gwen Stacy died when Spiderman tried to save her!  And from The Green Goblin no less!  Even a sadder twist of fate when Gwen Stacy’s father died due to the ongoing battle between Spider-man and Doc Ock.  

Yeah, this is no ordinary reason why this relationship was rocky.  It’s gets even ‘better’, since Spidey was in a relationship with Gwen, Mary Jane went with Harry Osborne instead, not realizing he’s the son of ‘The Green Goblin’.  When Mary Jane decided to end Harry’s relationship, things just went downhill.  Harry overdosed because of the ended relationship and Norman lost control of his mind turning back to ‘The Green Goblin’.  Then, he abducted Gwen Stacy, threw her off the bridge, and the moment hits the fans...

This tragic event was a big deal to many Spidey fans and let them wonder who was Peter's true love.  However, the real debate is whether she died from shock or if Spiderman unintentionally broke her neck trying to save her from falling in the Hudson.  Even though the editors stated the whiplash effect caused her death, there were other theories including the overwhelming shock as boastly stated by ‘The Green Goblin’, or if the rescue was a fruitless endeavor since she would’ve died anyway if Spidey didn’t intervene.  

Which brings us back to ‘Spiderman 3’ and yes, this scene….

This little treat is perhaps the reason why Spidey fans lost faith.  That and Joe Quesada.

Yeah….I mentioned before that when you obtain a franchise, whether the studio is big or small, you know you’re going to deal with the die-hard fans that will cry foul when you butcher their icon.  As proven with some fans who were able to watch ‘The Amazing Spider-man 2’, I’m surprised he’s still relevant after all the terrible fates he went through.

(Majora Joke)

    Spiderman 3 was a huge letdown.  People paid to see Venom.  What they got is 99% BS, 1% Venom!  For me, it was Gwen Stacy that turned me away.  I might be making up a conspiracy, but I think this is the reason why Sam Raimi fail to secure the next Spiderman sequel.

   

    This is Antibishonen Speaks, letting you know that with great franchises come with great responsibility!